A Very Lonely Day
by Padaloki
Summary: In which Thor completely forgets his little brother's birthday, and returns to the palace to find that Loki has spent the day crying in his bedroom. Pre-Thor. Contains mentions self-harm and a potentially lethal amount of angst and brotherly fluff.


_This is just something small that I wrote after a particularly acute attack of Loki feels. Somehow, the idea of Thor forgetting Loki's birthday and then feeling horrible about it and trying to comfort Loki afterwards is just way too angsty and cute to resist. Enjoy :)_

* * *

"What are you doing today, Thor?"

The god of thunder glanced up from his heaping plate of breakfast. "Hunt," he said through a mouth full of eggs. Was he just imagining it, or did Loki's face fall a little? He swallowed. "Do you want to come?"

"No," Loki said quietly, turning back to his own plate, which was empty save for a few strips of venison. "No, I... have to practice some spells."

If Thor had had more than five minutes to eat before his hunting party left for Alfheim, he might have asked Loki what was the matter, because he was almost sure now that Loki was hiding something. Although, he was probably just up to one of his tricks again. In any case, Thor needed to leave. He took a giant swig of milk and wiped his mouth on his sleeve. "Farewell, brother. Sif will have my head if I am late again."

"Goodbye, Thor," Loki muttered, giving his brother a small smile. "I - hope you enjoy yourself."

Thor nodded his thanks before grabbing Mjolnir from beside his chair and striding from the room, already lost in eager thoughts of a successful hunt.

* * *

When Thor returned, he expected to find Loki waiting for him on the palace steps. Loki often did so when Thor and his friends galloped back from hunting expeditions, under the pretense of making sure Thor hadn't injured himself in some silly way but secretly, Thor was sure, hoping his brother had brought him a gift. Thor always tried to keep an eye out for things his brother might like - herbs, strange weapons, even a spellbook every once in a while. His friends thought that encouraging of Loki's study of magic was unadvisable, as Loki was already spent very little time training with 'real' weapons, but Thor loved to see the spark of joy in his little brother's eyes at the sight of a new book or potion ingredient.

Tonight, however, no lean, dark figure awaited Thor and his friends when they returned, exhausted and triumphant.

"Take these to the kitchens," Thor commanded, handing his game over to the dutifully waiting servants. "Prepare a feast for the morrow."

"Yes, my lord."

"One more thing-" Thor stopped the servant just as the man turned to leave. "Have you seen my brother?"

"No, my lord."

"Perhaps he is in the library."

"I do not think so, my lord," another servant called. "I heard - and pardon me if this untrue - but I heard that Prince Loki has not emerged from his chambers since breakfast."

Something twisted in Thor's stomach. He remembered back to that morning, when Loki had seemed a little out-of-sorts. Thor had paid it no mind then, but now the memory resurfaced in his conscience with a twinge of guilt. "Thank you," he muttered before waving good night to his friends and hurrying into the palace.

The journey to Loki's bedroom was a short one; Thor's feet, which knew the way of their own accord, moved swiftly through the deserted halls. When he reached the door - tall, black, and imposing - his hand went immediately for the handle, but he thought better of it and knocked. "Brother? Are you in there? I have returned!"

There was a soft shuffle inside, and then the door opened to reveal Loki, dressed in nothing but a loose green shirt and black trousers, eyes downcast. "Hello, Thor. Is there something you need?"

Thor's eyebrows furrowed. "I wanted to see you. One of the servants said you did not leave your bedroom all day."

"I was studying," Loki said unconvincingly.

"May I come in?"

"I suppose," Loki replied, moving over so that Thor could enter. The older god strode into the room, glancing around. "What were you doing just now? I do not see any books."

"I- I put them away. I was about to go to bed."

Thor frowned. "Bed? This early in the night?"

"I'm tired." Loki sat down on the far edge of his bed, back turned to Thor. "Good night."

"Is something wrong?" Thor walked around the bed and sat down next to Loki, noting how his little brother immediately looked away, hands drifting to his sleeves.

"N-nothing."

Thor's stomach twisted at the almost imperceptible tremor in Loki's voice. He put an arm around his brother's narrow shoulders. "Did I say something to offend you?"

Loki shook his head, eyes still averted.

"Loki, talk to me," Thor continued, running a hand through the soft raven locks. "I can tell that you are upset. What happened?"

"It's nothing," Loki said, arching his back a little as Thor's fingers carded through his hair.

"You're too wise to be upset about nothing," Thor said teasingly. "You can tell me, brother. What is it?"

Loki stared at his hands for several minutes. "You - I don't suppose you remember what today is, do you?"

Thor's stomach plummeted to the floor.

He'd completely forgotten.

He pulled his brother into a tight embrace. "I'm so sorry, brother..." He kissed the top of Loki's head. "And... many happy returns."

"It's okay," Loki said quietly. He drew in a shaking breath, and Thor realized with a fresh wave a guilt that his brother was holding back tears.

"Brother, I am so sorry..." he rubbed a hand up and down along Loki's back. "I..." He didn't know what to say. There was nothing he _could_ say. He'd forgotten his brother's birthday and spent the entire day hunting with his friends while Loki stayed in his bedroom and... What had Loki done? Thor had a feeling his brother hadn't spent the day celebrating. "Loki, if there is any way to make it up to you..."

Loki shook his head, face still pressed against Thor's shoulder. He screwed his eyes shut - obviously determined not to cry - but Thor felt a warm dampness spread through his shirt.

"Oh, Loki..." Thor held his brother tighter as Loki's self-control finally gave way and he cried into Thor's shoulder, too ashamed to look up. "I am a terrible brother," Thor said bitterly as Loki's body trembled with sobs. "But even if I'm too witless to remember your birthday, I want you to know that I love you, Loki. I don't expect you to forgive me - I don't deserve it - but if there's anything I can do, then name it."

Loki pulled away from Thor, wiping the tears from his cheeks. Thor noticed now how red and puffy Loki's eyes were; he'd been crying earlier, the thunder god realized with a pang of shame.

"I-I'm fine," Loki said hoarsely.

"No, you're not," Thor said, taking hold of his brother's slender, pale hands. "You must have had a terrible day."

Loki sniffled and looked away.

"We can celebrate at the feast tomorrow evening," Thor said encouragingly. "I know it will not be the same, but..."

"Don't t-trouble yourself," Loki said with a small, watery smile that didn't quite reach his tear-stained eyes. "Nobody cares about birthdays, anyhow."

"I care. Especially when it is yours." Thor winced. "I know it must not look that way, but it is my fault for being such an idiot and forgetting. I really do care, Loki. We will do something special. Why, on my last birthday, we had an entire-" Thor stopped suddeny, realizing that probably wasn't the best thing to say. There were tears coming from Loki's eyes again; the younger god hastily wiped them away, embarrassed. Thor's guilt intensified at the uncomfortable realization that he'd had a massive party on his birthday, while Loki's had been completely forgotten. "I apologize again, brother. I cannot imagine how miserable you must have been today. But I promise I will make it up to you."

Loki tried to smile. Thor squeezed his shoulder encouragingly. "Would you like it if-" he froze. The sleeve on Loki's right arm had slipped down, revealing a row of scarlet lines below his wrist, which Loki quickly covered again. The younger god stiffened with fear as Thor's hand went slack. "Brother, what happened to your arm?" Thor grabbed Loki's wrist, holding tight even as his brother tried to pull away.

"Please, Thor, l-let go, it's nothing-"

Thor ignored him, one hand holding Loki's thin wrist while the other slid the sleeve down. "Loki!" he cried in horror, mouth falling open at the sight of the angry red lines criss-crossed over Loki's inner arm, the freshest still gleaming in the light. "Brother, what have you done?"

Loki swallowed. "Thor, please..."

Thor touched a finger to the cuts, eyes still wide with shock. "Loki, some of these are a scarcely an hour old."

"I..." Loki was at a loss for words. "I promise I won't do it again, I just... I wanted..." he swallowed again, closing his eyes. "I'm sorry."

"Sorry?" Thor repeated hollowly. "Loki, you have nothing to be sorry for! It is I who should be begging your forgiveness..." He tried not to think of how miserable and wretched Loki must have felt, if he had been driving to the point of inflicting such pain on himself. "I should have noticed something, I should have made you feel better... How long have you been- doing this?"

"Four years, perhaps," Loki whispered, not daring to meet Thor's gaze. Thor wrapped his arm around Loki's shoulders again as his insides burned with guilt.

"Loki, I... Why? Why did you not tell me you were hurting? I could have helped you!"

But even before Loki spoke, Thor knew the answer. Because for the last several years, he and Loki had grown apart, Thor spending more time with his other friends and Loki hovering on the edges, preferring to spend time alone with his books and spells. The idea that Loki would come to Thor for help, when Thor paid increasingly less attention to him and had even begun to join with his friends in mocking his little brother's lean build and womanly interests... Thor felt a hot tide of shame rise in him. No wonder Loki had felt alone.

"I should have said something," Loki said quietly, hanging his head. "I will not do it again, I promise."

"Loki." Thor gently tilted his brother's head up until Loki's wet, puffy green eyes were locked with his own. "Loki, I need you to listen to me. You have done nothing wrong. The blame lies with me and Mother and Father and everyone else who hurt you and did not see that you were in pain. There is nothing for you to be ashamed of. You are the best brother I could ever want, and I will always love you."

Loki laughed breathily, smiling more brightly than he had in years as more tears fell from his eyes. "Do you really mean that... Thor?"

"Of course."

"I..." Loki was at a loss for words. "Thank you."

"I deserve no thanks," Thor said sofly as he stroked Loki's dark hair. "Now, tell me. Why did you inflict these injuries upon yourself? Is there anything I can do to... help?"

"There is nothing, brother. I was..." Loki's gaze drifted to his window. "I was lonely, that is all."

"Lonely?"

Loki bit his lip. "You and your friends did not want my company, and... and there were no others who would accept me. Mother and Father said I needed to- to be more like you."

_Ouch_. Thor grimaced at the thought of how much that must have hurt Loki. And the thought of his precious little brother lonely and thinking himself at fault... "I swear by the Norns, brother, you will never feel alone or unwanted again, so long as I live."

Loki caught his breath, wide and shining eyes slowly rising to Thor's face. He tried to speak, but could find no words. Instead he wrapped his arms around Thor's muscled torso, hugging tightly in wordless gratitude. Thor returned the embrace, his cheek resting on the top of Loki's head.

"I love you, Thor," Loki murmured.

"I love you too, brother," Thor said, squeezing Loki's slender body. "I love you always."


End file.
